Dear Diary
by RainbowMushrooms
Summary: Dear Diary, Why? A series of diary entries. Gokudera's POV. Rated T for HEAVY swearing and mass Gokudera denial. 8059.
1. Entry 1

Dear Diary,

Why?


	2. Entry 2

Dear Diary,

Did my previous entry confuse you? Make you wonder what I was asking? Well too bad, I'm gonna ask more.

Why did this happen?

Why me?

Why did he break his promise?

Why did I believe him?

Why can't I forget about it?

Why can't I get over it?

…Why does it hurt so much?


	3. Entry 3

Dear Diary,

I guess I should explain. Not for your benefit or anything. As if I would care about you.

That stupid, annoying, retarded, FUCKING_ idiot_ has been caught. Cheating. On me. That fucker thought he could hide from me. Because I was coming home late that day. But no, I enter our- no, _his _house and find no-one. Not a single bastard smiling at me while making sushi. So I go upstairs, to _his_ room, and open the door to find a fucking _whore_ on top of him. That's right, a _girl._ And what really bugs me was that his hand, that strong, beautiful, warm, no, that mother-fucking-shit-faced hand was touching _that. _Those things. Yeah, he was touching that bitch's breasts.

So I stood there and dropped my bag, just let it drop, didn't care when it rolled down the stairs, and I _stared. _He stared back, like he was looking at something _extremely _scary. Or disturbing. Then he opened his mouth, that mouth that I used to love, and said, "Hayato, it's-," but then I didn't let him finish, I turned and _ran_, ran like a fucking girl, ran all the way back to the mansion. I ran back to where I started, told the Jyuudaime that I would like to have that room now, one of those rooms that he had offered to his guardians. Remember that one, Diary? The one I talked about in an entry a few years ago. You probably don't remember because you're a brainless idiot, so I'll write it again:

_Dear Diary,_

_We got to Italy yesterday. All of us, the Jyuudaime and the guardians arrived at the Vongola mansion. And we all gaped at the sheer size of it. And when we got inside, each of us were offered a room, but as usual, the guardian's chose to live in their own houses nearby._

_Takeshi and I, we found a nice little house in the city. And we bought it immediately. And now, we are living together._

But of course, I am not living with that total fucktard ever again. Never, ever, ever, EVER. So I got the room.

You realize, you are the only thing I brought from that house. I left everything else behind, every last possession of mine that reminded me of _him_. You should feel honoured.


	4. Entry 4

Dear Diary,

I got a letter today. From _him_. I didn't want to, I tried to stop myself, but in the end I opened it. And out came a little slip of paper, with the words "_I'm sorry_" written on them. So I sent him a package. It was the slip of paper, torn into about a million pieces, the burnt remains of the envelope, and the ring he gave me. I hope you don't mind me rewriting another entry, 'cos I'm going to:

_Dear Diary,_

_Today, I got home late again, and Takeshi had cooked me dinner. Sushi. He smiled at me cheerfully and told me he had gone shopping and decided to give me a little treat. I looked at him suspiciously, his smile was a bit nervous, but I chose tot ignore that, I was hungry, and his sushi tastes REALLY good._

_So after dinner, I looked at him again, and asked him if something was wrong, asked him why he looked so nervous. And he sighed, and told me that there was no point in hiding it any further._

_So he knelt down in front of me, and pulled out a little container from his pocket. I swear my heart was about to come out of my mouth, it was beating so hard. Then he told me that food wasn't all he went shopping for. He opened the container, and inside was a shiny, gold ring. He told me that he wanted us to stay together forever, he wanted me to be his, and he would be mine, and then said that even though as guardians it was not safe to marry each other, he loved me and wanted me to accept him as part of my life until the end of time. And then I hugged him, and I was crying, and I told him that he had always been the biggest part of my life. He had smiled and slipped the ring onto my finger._

_And now he's got THAT smile. I hope the Jyuudaime hasn't got anything planned for me tomorrow that includes me walking properly._

Do you remember now, Diary? That ring. Yeah, I sent it back to him. But I was kind enough to split it in half beforehand.


	5. Entry 5

Dear Diary,

Do you think that it would be okay… IF I FUCKING KILLED THAT FUCKING BASTARD?

Do you? Because I really, REALLY want to.


	6. Entry 6

Dear Diary,

You didn't answer my question. So I thought about it myself.

And my answer is no. There's no way I would be able to kill him. I can still remember his voice, his touch, everything. I remember how we used to laugh together. How I used to feel empty if he wasn't next to me. How he used to hold me when I was sad, to comfort me, to hug me.

Well, he's not here now, he's not holding me, not comforting me, not hugging me.

You stupid diary, that doesn't mean I'm sad, okay?


	7. Entry 7

Dear Diary,

What should I do?

I used to think I was strong; I could do almost anything with my determination. I was smart, fit, good-looking and was great at everything, except for my manners. But I didn't care about manners anyway.

But now, I'm by myself, I'm working double time but getting only half of my usual amount done. My body doesn't work properly and I'm finding it harder to move. My mind is fuzzy and I look weak and sickly.

I'm not good at anything without him.


	8. Entry 8

Dear Diary,

How pathetic can I be?

I have to get over it. The Jyuudaime is starting to get worried, like this I can't be his right-hand man. Every time I see _him_ I glare, then turn around and run back to my room. Like I did just then.

It's not my fault he's so damn attractive, so, so… loveable! I've been with him for too long, and now I can't escape. I can't bear to look at him without feeling myself break.

By the way, those teardrops at the top of the page mean nothing, okay?


	9. Entry 9

Dear Diary,

I've come to a decision. I'm not going to kill him. I'm not even going to hope that he dies.

The day after tomorrow, I'm going to the lake. You know, the sparkly, massive one. Where I gave _him_ his first lesson in Italian. Forgive me for repeating entries again, but I'll do what I want so here we go:

_Dear Diary, _

_Today, I gave Takeshi a lesson in Italian. And I realized the true extent of his hopelessness in the learning area. After five minutes, he finally got the pronunciation of 'Ciao' right. Then after that, I moved to other simple words, but he spent the whole time staring at my lips. Typical. _

_So soon, I began to get a bit annoyed. I had my reasons. Like a baseball-idiot asking you to teach him Italian, then when the lesson starts, he decides that he's gonna perv on you instead. And after 20 minutes, he tries to molest you as well. And he just had to be so damn strong, and I don't have the power to resist when he practically throws me onto the ground and kisses me. Not that I wanted to resist, of course, but still. The water was cold, and it was freezing my feet. _

_Oh, I forgot to tell you, we were at a lake. It was really big and round, and the water sparkled in the sunlight. The land was owned by the Vongola, so we had the whole area to ourselves. Which was good because I didn't want anyone to hear our moans._

_Curse Takeshi for being so good at sex._

Yes, that lake. I'm going to go there the day after tomorrow. I haven't written down why yet, because I'm not one-hundred-percent sure about this, but I'm still going, no matter what happens.


	10. Entry 10

Dear Diary,

I'm sure now. I'm going to do it.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the lake. Like I told you I would. And I'm to throw away all my memories.

We've been through a lot together, haven't we? Since I first got with _him_, right? So, I must have had you for about eight years. Well, Diary, goodbye.

I'm going to jump. I won't resist as the water pours over me. And I won't try to swim.

Since it's our last day, I'll admit it. I still love _him_. Takeshi. And I _am_ sad. I _should _have figured it out when he seemed to like it so much more when I dressed as a girl. Yes, I _have _been crossdrressing for him. I _did _enjoy it. I _wasn't _embarassed by it because it made him happy. And I _have _been crying into my pillow every night because I am now alone. And I _do_ miss all the times we had together.

But all that doesn't matter anymore.

Again, goodbye. I'm leaving.

And I probably will not return.


	11. Entry 11

Dear Diary,

…Yes. I am really writing. It is not an illusion, or your imagination. I am not dead. I have not drowned.

How I managed to find you in this stupid hospital room is a mystery. You were just there, on the table beside the bed. Next to a vase. Full of flowers. They were red and blue, mixing together in a beautiful forest of stems and leaves.

Blue and red. Rain and storm.


	12. Entry 12

Dear Diary,

The hospital staffs haven't stopped nagging me since I woke up. Who do they think I am? The Vongola Storm guardian most certainly does not need a billion glasses of water in ten minutes. I don't need a nurse to keep me company. I don't need anything or anyone, but _him._

I managed to get some information out of them though. Apparently, I was brought unconscious, by _him_. And that he had brought you, along with flowers. They told me he had saved me from drowning. Then he had disappeared.

The fucking bastard probably went back to _her_. He could have at least let me die first.


	13. Entry 13

Dear Diary,

_He's_ here. The stupid idiot Takeshi. Why is he here, refusing to go away, just standing there _staring_ at me, like I was something he had missed for too long. Can't he see that I'm writing?

Thank god, he's moving. I don't how much longer I could have lasted, with him looking at me like that. Wait, no- WHY IS HE COMING CLOSER?!

Me: Get away from me, bastard!

Bastard: …I missed you, Hayato.

Me: Fine, whatever, see if I care. Now leave me alone!

Bastard: No. You almost died. I am not leaving until everything is fine.

That really pissed me off. I don't know why, but I felt _so _angry at him at that moment. So I yelled my lungs out. "What do you mean, until everything is fine?! Nothing has been fine for too long! Why the fuck do you think I fucking tried to drown myself?! Do you think I just go and jump in lakes for no reason?! Do you, you bastard?!"

I saw him flinch from that. Good. I hope he's suffering from the force of my hatred. Wait, why is he leaning closer? Why is he reaching for my face?

I shuddered as I felt his fingers brush my cheeks. "Don't cry, Hayato," he whispered and I jumped slightly. Had I been crying?

I felt his arms wrap around me. He was hugging me, holding me while I was sad.

"I-I missed you too," I said, crying into his forgotten embrace.


	14. Entry 14

Dear Diary,

He told me everything. About how _she _was just another mafioso, from an ally family. And how she had practically jumped him, and that she was ridiculously strong despite her appearance. And how he had been trying to push her of him, and just happened to push _there_.

I'm not sure if I should believe him, but I am sure that I want to. And the way he had kissed me, the way he held me now, it all tells me how much he loved me, how he would never love anyone else, how he would never give me up.

So I had accepted his explanation, and asked him how he knew where to find me. He had blushed slightly at that, and told me how he had been sneaking into my room every day, when I was busy with work. And he had been reading. Every, single private thought of mine, he knew them all. Why didn't you tell me, Diary?

I hadn't wanted anyone to know totally, helplessly in love with him I was. Especially after _that_ incident.

But anyway, he had rushed to the lake, just after he had finished reading, and had seen me let myself fall. And he had jumped in without hesitation, without worrying about his own safety. He had dived in and saved me.

According to him, the lake was really shiny and sparkly on the surface, but it was really murky underneath. He hadn't been able to see, he had said dramatically, but our love gave him the power to know where I was. I had bonked him across the head after hearing that.

But still, he had saved me, and brought me here, dripping wet. He had begged the doctors and nurses to save me and after they had agreed he had ran off. For the flowers. And to get you.

Stupid idiot, doing romantic things like that and making me cry again, even if it was from relief and joy.


	15. Entry 15

Dear Diary,

I got released from the hospital today. And the first thing that happened as I walked out of those doors was that I got whipped off my feet and into Takeshi's arms. And I could see the others: the Jyuudaime and the other guardians, they were all doing their best not to laugh at my face. Because, as Takeshi had told me afterwards, I had looked 'so cute with that beautiful little blush on my face'. Normally, I would have smacked him for that, but today, I let it pass.

I got carried, all the way, to _that _house. _Our _house. And I had been dropped onto the couch, and Takeshi had kissed me. Softly, lightly, lovingly. And all of a sudden, I felt as if everything was fine. But, he's not going to leave.

And now, it's nighttime, and he's leaning his head on my shoulder. I had forgotten how heavy he was. I would have pushed him off a while ago, but tonight, I let it pass. I kiss his hair gently, and I see him stir sleepily. "Hayato?" he whispers, with that beautiful, alluring voice of his, and he runs his hand up my arm, that strong rough hand. And can't help but feel so at peace with him here, next to me. I look down at him, and he's so handsome, so beautiful, and my heart practically bursts with love.

And I don't even mind him reading this over my shoulder, these thoughts of mine. I am happy to let him know how much I love him, and as he pulls me into a long, searing kiss, everything is alright.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I know why now. Why I had felt that way, why it was me, why I had believed in him, why I could never forget, why it had hurt.

Because, Diary, I love him.

* * *

**A/N: **Yay it's finally done~!

I got this all done in half a day, and I'm pretty happy with the end result. Though there's no angst anymore! I really, really love the holidays~! Sorry that all the chapters are so short though! That was just how it seemed to flow.

So, what do you guys think? It's my first little continuous story, and my first angsty little creation as well! Review please!


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